The Worst Day

I will no longer wait for redemption. The cycle ends with me.

The question to ask people who are anxious, depressed, bipolar… Those who have unexplained physical pain. Body rashes that seem to have no explanation. The question to ask is not, “What’s wrong?” Instead ask, “What happened?”

What happened is shock.

Pain that led to the dissociation of emotion and presence. A pain so great that feeling and truth and honesty and living freely were terrible choices because the pain and truth of living were so risky that they’d rather not, thank you very much.

I’ve learned that the emotional pain that you attempt to lock away, choosing to not feel, is louder than your ability to lock it away.

It’s like a cup filled to the rim, with little drops of searing pain dripping out everywhere, landing on you and everyone around you. Hurt people… hurt people.

It’s like a closet stuffed with all the things you don’t want to see and you don’t want anyone else to see. But it’s so full that the bulging pain pushes the closet doors out like a cartoon door, things inside of it ballooning up like a body in pants that are three sizes too small.

Imagine this pain as having a life and power of its own. It is animated. It is an evil spirit sitting around the corner waiting for you to walk by. Just as you do, it puts something in front of you that trips you so you fall flat on your face.

It inhabits you.

This pain is your face in the mirror. Looking back at you with disgust. “No wonder they did this to you, look at how awful you look.”

The pain is a 40mph wind, blowing in your face that holds you back. It says to you, “you think you’re strong? I’m stronger.”

The pain comes from inside of the body. It comes out as knee pain when you walk. Arm pain when you lift your baby. Foot pain as you stand up. Chest pain as you watch TV. Headaches when you consider reaching out to ask for help. Hip pain when you roll over in bed. Leg and foot cramps.

Pain is a liar.

Pain feeds on doubt. Shame. Conflict.

It feeds on resistance.

Pain cannot be fought in hand to hand combat. The only thing that can win against pain is love and light. In fact, it’s not even a competition.

Love and light do not try to win. Love and light simply snuff out the energy that allows pain to stay alive.